( simple, then. easy. if it were easy, there probably wouldn't be an ever growing pit in the middle of andrew's stomach, and he's glad all of a sudden, that he's spent so much time with a vampire over the course of the last half of year of his miserable life, learning how to get his body to relax from grief sooner. the fact remains. andrew hates himself in a way he hopes aaron never fully understands, he hates himself in ways other people would never and will never know. he can't supply aaron with anything, and that means that he, himself, is void of any worth he might have once had. ( a brother? no. but a guard dog? yes. )

his eyes keep forward, away from aaron. he has other things to live for now, axel and the life they plan to have together. is it so bad if he has to live without aaron?

yes. he sighs. )

You don't get it. You never got it.

( the promises were more than just promises, they were reasons andrew had to stay alive. an unfair weight on the shoulders of the people he almost learned to care about -- neil and kevin and aaron and renee, not quite friends, not quite family. aaron broke that promise. aaron wants you to die, says the illogical part of his brain, cruelly and unfairly, hissing all kind of different slurs and inhumane curses at him.

he draws a hand over his face. )

I don't have anything to give you, so this is a pretty shitty promise, all things considered. ( he clucks his tongue. ) Do you think I'm weak?

( a tangent thought, one he's been thinking since thanksgiving. maybe he doesn't trust andrew to protect him anymore, weak enough to get raped. maybe that's why murphy. maybe that's why homosexuality. maybe that's why everything. )